Meet January

A story from last semester...
So today I went to Lancaster and had one of the most interesting experiences yet. It started out pretty bland. We met a lady named Brenda and a few of her friends. Brenda wasn't very talkative, but I was facing her and talking to her for a while. Then, after a while I was just looking around because, to be honest, as bad as it sounds, I was getting bored with Brenda and her friend Johnny that was dominating conversation and you couldn't understand. Well, I saw this guy a little down the road and was thinking of going over to him to talk, when I happened to glance behind me and this lady was sitting actually very very close to me. I turned and said something to her and she didn't respond. It was easy to see she was hurting, hurting more than the average homeless person—I didn't even think that was possible. Anyway, after she didn't answer, I decided to try again. I reached out and lightly touched her calf and asked her if she was alright. She looked up and saw she had been crying. She began to tell me that she wasn't ok. She said that she had to make a choice today. Through very scattered conversation and a lot of questions, I gathered the following information: Her name is January. She had to make a choice whether to go see her mom who lived in Corsicana or stay here for her daughter. She's only been on the streets a few weeks and her 2 year old daughter is living with January's husband. January did a "lot of horrible things" and so much so that her husband didn't want her living with them anymore. Now she can only see her daughter once a week for an hour. She has so much she wants to say to her husband like how much she loves him and knows she screwed up but would give anything to just hug him once and be a family again. However, she "can't say that to him" or she'll "get in trouble" (I'm guessing he has a restraining order against her from that and other things she said). The reason she even had the choice to go see her mom in the first place was because she found someone that was willing to help her get to Corsicana, but that would mean leaving her daughter for a long time and she didn't know if she wanted to do that. She took so long making the decision that the person who was going to help her had left. I asked her if she had the opportunity to see her mom again, if she would want to. She said yes. Conversation then turned and we talked more about the same things and how much she loves her daughter and stuff. Then she revealed that she was worried about staying at the shelter that night because of things she said and did last night. I probed further and asked if she was legitimately scared for her safety. She said no, that she was only nervous but she thought (and was hopeful) that everything was cleared up last night as well. A few minutes later the group came up and let me know it was time to leave. They saw how intense it was though and said they'd be willing to wait. But, I knew that it could honestly go on forever and had to end sometime. Before I left though, I had to know if I could help her, so I decided to get direct. I asked her again if she could stay with her mom for the night if she would want to. She said yes. I asked if she would take the bus. She said yes. I then asked her how much those tickets were. She immediately responded by saying she couldn't let me do that. I told her that I would be honest and tell her if I couldn't afford it, but I wanted to see if I could. She told me $34. I then told her that I could afford that but had to make sure I could get a ride to the station to buy the ticket. I asked the rest of my group and they said it would be ok. I then told her it was going to work and asked if she could wait right there for us to get the ticket. She said she couldn't let me pay for it again and I told her that I really wanted to, but asked if I could also keep in contact with her. She nodded, smiled, and said she'd like that.  So we went and walked to the car and I filled my group in on the brief version of her story. I then realized that I was pretty sure her mom lived in Corsicana, but I wasn't sure. I asked NAME (the driver) if we could drive by her really quickly and I could hop out and confirm the destination before we went to the station. He agreed. So we drove over and I jumped out. By this time she had a book in her hand. I jumped out and asked, "It's Corsicana that your mom lives in, right?" The following dialogue proceeded:
Her: "Yes, but I don't want you to. It's going to be a problem"
Me: "No, it's not going to be a problem. I want to do this" 
"No, I don't want to be stuck there. If I get there and can't get back before for my session it will be bad. If I miss a session I'll get in trouble."
"Ok, so you need two tickets? One there and one back?" 
"Oh no! I couldn't ask you to do that?"
"No, really, I want to" 
"No…" (and she got quiet and just looked at me). It was then that I looked at what she was reading and saw the cover said, "God's Love" on it. So I asked: "What are you reading?" and she gave it to me. I realized it was a Bible. I asked:
"Are you a Christian?" 
"Umm, I try to be good. I try to read this and figure out how to be good. But it's hard to understand. And people try to explain it to me, but still…"
I grinned from ear to ear. "Can we make a deal"
She laughed, "Maybe…"
"How about you let me pay for these two tickets for you, and then I come down here when you get back and we talk about that" (and I pointed to the Bible).
A huge smile spread across her face and she said, "Ok"
By that time, NAME suggested that she get in the car with us and just take her to the station. So we all piled in his car and we took her there. She was giving us directions and I noticed she got quiet. Something was wrong. I thought about asking, but decided not to. We got to the station and were about to get out when she said, "Wait, can we wait a few minutes? I want to ask you guys a question."  So we all waited. She proceeded, "Would you guys say that you cherish your time with your parents? And I mean truly cherish—like you want to be with them?" We all responded with yes and I admitted that my mom is still my best friend. She nodded. I asked, "You don't want to go, do you?" She said no that she realized her place was here and she needed to be here with her daughter. So we started driving back to where we picked her up. On the way over, I asked if I could see her Bible. She handed it over and I was going to look up Proverbs 3:5-6 for her, but realized that it was only the New Testament. I quickly prayed for God to give me a verse on suffering/comfort in the New Testament. God brought up a conversation I had with a friend back in the very beginning of the semester about the verse in 2 Corinthians about suffering and how we suffer so we can comfort others who go through the same thing and that Jesus suffered for us and suffered everything and more than what we're going through. It was SO cool how God brought that to my memory because I seriously suck at remembering Bible references and I had forgotten about that conversation. And the funny thing is, I had so forgotten about it that I was thinking the verse was in 1 Corinthians. After glancing through multiple headings and not finding it, I felt my Spirit telling me "check 2 Corinthians." So I did and I found it. I then showed it to her, read it, and told her something along the lines of "That basically means that what you're going through right now, God is with you the whole way. Jesus suffered everything you are right now and more and He knows what you're going through and He sympathizes. And He is with you through all of it. Not only that, but even though what you're going through right now is incredibly hard, God may be able to use that later in your life to help someone else." I then asked her if I could dog-ear the page and she nodded. So I dog-eared it and said, "whenever things get especially hard, look at this and take comfort in it." She was crying. Then I remember how she kept saying that she felt so guilty and she had done so many bad things and didn't know if she could ever make it right again. So I found Romans 3:23 for her and explained it and told her that God didn't see her as beyond repair and she shouldn't either and that she shouldn't hold onto the past and the guilt. I told her that God loved her more than anything and would always be there for her. I also dog-eared that page for her. Then closed it and handed it back to her. We had about 5 minutes left in the ride (because NAME missed an exit. Lol. But that actually ended up being really good because it gave me extra time to talk to January), and toward the end of the ride I saw her going back to those dog-eared pages and tracing the words with her fingers ever so lightly and effectually. We got to Lancaster and dropped her off by the Presbyterian Night Shelter and she said, "When are you guys coming down again?" I told her that I was pretty sure a group was going on Friday and if so I would be with them. She then asked what time so she could come by the same spot at that time so I could find her. We told her in the afternoon, she thanked us, and we said our goodbyes. 
Looking back on it all, it was so surreal. It was like I was having an out-of-body experience. I felt like all of my limbs were numb and my mind was in a dream-like state. My mind was not thinking like it normally would. I think I physically felt Jesus being in me and working through me. Because none of that was me—there's no way I personally would have been able to remember those verse references, or would have been so bold as to ask so bluntly if she was a Christian. I know that sounds stupid considering she was holding a Bible, but the normal me would have so beat around the bush before asking her bluntly if she was a Christian. If it was me, I would probably have started with something like, "Who gave that to you?" to see if someone random was just handing them out or if she actually lived by it or if it was just "casual reading" to her because she had nothing better to do. But no, when I saw that, something inside of me literally leapt and I had no fear. It was almost as if my Spirit knew what was going on and acted for me. Force my mouth to form the words, gave me such confidence and joy that I had no regard for what I was saying—in a good way. Lol. I didn't think, I just acted. It was so unlike me, the only possible explanation is God.
But as cool as this experience as, it also left me a little distraught. I had known this woman for only about 45 minutes and I was ready to lay down $70 for her and stay in contact with her to disciple her—because if you think about it that's really what I was hoping to do with her if I could come down again and talk through the Bible with her. And I was SO invested in the situation and cared for her SO much in so little time. I literally would have done anything for January in that moment. And that's what scares me. I'm a girl, and along with being a girl comes being emotional; and not to mention, I've been told before that I empathize well with other's situations. I guess I'm afraid that I get too attached too quickly and to the point that I lack discretion and wisdom. How far is too far? I'm not superman and I can't fix everybody's problems. But I want to! And I often try SO hard to. So how do I know when I've crossed the line and become obsessed/crazy and irrational? I've got a one-track mind; very goal-driven, and that can be a major fault of mine. Sometimes I get so focused on something that I forget about everything else and pretty soon obsession begins. My most recent one was my major/school. God broke that one in me thankfully, but still. I had other obsessions before that and I feel like it's a recurring problem with me. This could be a problem with what I want to do in my future. Ever since I started truly following Jesus, I've had a soft spot for inner city people. I truthfully love them and enjoy being around them—with all of their energy and attitude, they're SO addicting! I want to minister to them and work with them long term. But if I do, I'm going to have to learn how to be more objective about things so I can make rational decisions. So how do I do that? How do I take some emotion out of the equation? How the heck can I learn to be more objective? Would that even be a good thing? Because if it weren't for that passion in the first place, I wouldn't even be doing things like this. I need balance, but I have no idea where to even start to figure out where that line is.
Not only that, but I'm leaving in two weeks. I feel like this was such a great opportunity to pour into someone long term! But I'm leaving for STATE NAME in two weeks. Yeah, I'll be back in June, but she could easily be gone by then. And I don't have a car, so I can't just go whenever I want, I'm restricted. If this was so "meant to be" then why do there seem to be so many things in the way? Is that another sign that it was just me being crazy again? Jumping into a situation before thinking and getting myself emotionally invested when it wasn't my place?
I know that, in the end I can say that God was at least able to use me to plant a seed, and maybe I'm not meant to come back. Maybe that's all I was meant for—which I'm TOTALLY fine with! I want God to use me the way He sees fit. But then the question becomes, how do you know when to push and try harder and when to just let it go and chalk it up to one of your moments of being a planter instead of a waterer—so to speak. The typical answer would be, "Well, you'll just have to listen to God's leading on that one." Which, is of course true, but I'm afraid that my intense emotions will cloud my judgment. I'm afraid that I'll too often try so hard and try to force something that wasn't meant to be. I guess, in the end, the fact that I can love so deeply so quickly scares me. I'm afraid it will make me a living version of Proverbs 19:2.

A Couple People on my Heart Lately

Lorenzo
Last Wednesday at Unity Park I started helping FIW (Freedom in Worship) by making hot dogs. That is when a familiar face came walking up with a big grin "Hey!" he said. I saw him the Friday before and had a brief but great conversation at the end of our time there. "Hey Lorenzo!" His eyes widened and said he could believe that I remembered his name. It meant so much to him, and after that, he made sure that he remembered mine, even saying it a couple times over. It was incredible, he just wanted to know me, what my major was, what I liked to do, what my dreams were. Then when I asked him about his life, and what he was all about, he said he told me some of his past work experience, such as being a salesman, and he now works at waffle house as a short order cook. However, his real dream is to go to school for culinary arts. That was when he showed me the flyer of the opportunity about culinary school. He was so excited about it, he was glowing. The opportunity is November 28th, so please pray for preparation for Lorenzo and for doors to open for him. Can't wait to have another conversation with this guy.

Linda
Met Linda two weeks ago at FIW. Unfortunately Linda had not had the best week, the least to say. Three days prior to meeting her, she had been attacked and beaten by four people late at night. They had beaten her so badly that she had cuts all over her face, a couple of fractured ribs, and the vandals sliced the side of her stomach. Thankfully a police officer saw that she was hurt not long after the attack and called an ambulance for her. When talking to her she had difficulty eating, talking, and breathing. However, that is not the source of her sorrow. A couple of days before being attacked, she had learned that her younger sister had been murdered. There was so much pain on her face when she talked about her sister. "It's as if someone stabbed me in the heart" trying to describe the loss that she was feeling. She said she had so much guilt about her sister dying because she had not been there for her sister that past couple of years because she had been in prison. She wanted to tell her about Jesus, and God. But she never got the chance. Please pray for Linda. Please pray that she is taken care of physically and emotionally. Please pray that God gives her peace over the loss of her sister. Please pray for continuing a strong relationship with God and divine protection.