Sunday, December 4, 2011

HUMBLED

So last time that I went down to Lancaster I was talking to a man on the bus bench and had a nice conversation about his take on life, jesus, and how his day was going and before he left I prayed with him. What touched my heart after that was the man sitting next to the man that I was talking to. He held out a 5 dollar bill. He said "Here this is for you, go buy yourself a soda or something" he said with a smile. He expected nothing in return, and he was insistent on giving it to me. It was as if as I was being welcomed. He was hospitable.
Wow, a complete stranger that is homeless offered me money. And I didn't even talk to him. He was just listening to the conversation next to him. Honestly at first I didn't know what to say, I had to think what was better to do, accept it or decline it thankfully. I declined it but I made sure that his gesture was appreciated. I was shocked by this random act of kindness. One word: HUMBLED.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Birthday Bash

Two Wednesdays ago a very good friend of many that go down to Lancaster had a birthday to celebrate. This birthday was for Calandra, a mother of two and a loyal and loving friend to many. It was truly our privalege to honor a life so glorifying to God as hers. A month or so prior to this celebration she came to a few of us and mentioned a request that she had. She approached us in a serious manner and said, "I want to celebrate my birthday by having a party in Unity Park. I've never really celebrated my birthday before." We told her there would be a party without question. So as the days approached we brainstormed ideas of how we could make this a special day for such a special woman. We divided up tasks for ballons, a giant birthday card, a personalized cake, and an iPod loaded with music she would enjoy. The evening of the 16th came and a gathering showed up to attend. This was during the normal Freedom In Worship meeting time but post service we got to throw a bash right in the same area we congregated in week after week. She saw we had brought balloons and her reaction showed she was pleased with just that.
She was also in shock that somebody in the food line knew it was her birthday. I asked her how her day was and she said it was great. "Someone gave me two dollars and I also got a bracelet!" She was ecstatic at the simplest of gifts but I was filled with joy knowing how God was going to soon bless her even more.
We all gathered around the table she was sitting at and began singing happy birthday. We then presented her the giant card that many of us got to sign with our personal message about how special Calandra was to us. She soon had tears forming in her eyes and was filled with joy. That was followed by her removing the wrapping paper off the iPod and was in awe by the gift she had just received. 
We love you Calandra.

One of Calandra's favorite songs:

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Brief Thoughts

So last Friday I went down to Lancaster and talked to several people, each of them making me laugh and putting a smile on my face. Then when it was time to leave a man whom I have never met before came up to us and said " Thank you so much for coming down here, please keep doing what you are doing; keep on talking to us, it has made a such a difference". He was smiling when he said this and I was sad that I had to leave, but it only made me look foward for next time I go to Lancaster. Just a short tid bit that I wanted to share.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Reflections

I went to Lancaster Ave. on Wednesday, November 2nd. I had a wonderful time and met so many wonderful people there. I went in a bit skeptical, but came out not wanting to leave. A little boy gave my friend a snickers bar, and a man gave my boyfriend some face wash! (They somehow got on the subject of acne, and the guy was like, "Here, try this!") We didn't bring in any money or anything, but we came out with stuff that they had given to us! It was so unlike what I expected. Who would've thought that they would be giving things to us?! I was also very impressed when I saw homeless people that appeared to have nothing but the clothes on their back, and they were tithing to the church by putting coins in the pastor's hat. They disproved the stereotype that homeless people are a bunch of drug addicts that just want to take your money. The wonderful people I met are very giving, and they love the Lord with all they have. Although their lives are tough, they still thank God every day for letting them breathe. I have had so many wonderful opportunities, and I often forget to thank God, while they thank God every day for the very little that they have. This reminded me to pray and appreciate all that I have been given. I had a great time. They were so easy to talk to, and I can't wait to go back.

-Natalie Caples

Sunday, October 30, 2011

To the Great Unknown

Mark 11:24 - Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Sometimes I have to stop and wonder whether this is real life or not. I cannot even begin to fathom all the things that have happened in my life. All I know is that God is the greatest thing ever. Of all time. The journey of a few college students at TCU all began during the Passion Live Link in my apartment. Four of us were discussing how we were going to get to Passion and somehow in the midst of carpooling and taking a bus there, we got the bright idea to buy a bus. I think the others may have been joking but I was serious and Spencer immediately backed me up. We started going through pages and pages of buses on Craigslist DFW to find the bus we were going to get. We called a few people selling and left messages but then we stumbled upon the best bus in the world. The title was “1979” and that was good enough for me. The bus looked loved and it looked used but above all it was the feeling that this was the one. There aren’t many times in life when you can look at something or someone and immediately know that it is right. But with this bus, we knew. So we called the number and a man (who we called Bubba until we learned later on his name was Kenneth) answered the phone. He was the mechanic for the bus and informed us on what worked and what didn’t and the condition it was in. Then, he told us that the bus belonged to a church. A CHURCH! Could this have been any more perfect? We asked Kenneth to give our number to someone in the church and he said Pastor Sam would give us a call. Later on that night we stayed up until 2 am talking about all the things we could use the bus for. Our ideas manifested from Passion to using the bus to further our on campus ministry (Love for Lancaster).

The purpose of our group is to meet the relational and spiritual needs of the homeless community in Fort Worth. It started with two students who felt called to be with the homeless one night after an on campus worship/message. There were other TCU students building friendships out there too and as word spread, a Facebook group was started to coordinate the times that we could all go out together. I can’t even begin to explain the miracles that happen when you follow God according to His will. I just can’t stress enough what happens when you delve into the unknown and take life as He gives it. In just a matter of eight months, our Facebook group had added over 130 people and at an activities fair at school, another 120 signed up. As every single person who has ever been a college student knows, signing up for something and being committed to something are completely different but there are currently about 40 students consistently going down every single week—multiple times per week… multiple times per day! We go directly to the streets and build friendships and families but the biggest struggle we face is getting people away from the East side of Lancaster. Pulling people away from the drugs, away from the negativity, away from fighting to show them hope and love and joy. What better way could we do that than by taking trips in our bus? So we prayed and we prayed and we prayed and we realized that dreaming is only dreaming when you do nothing about it. We were about to make our dreams reality with God on our side and we decided—or rather felt—that this bus was going to be given to us despite the 1500 dollar price tag on Craigslist.

I can’t remember ever feeling more anxious for a phone call. We waited two days and finally heard from Pastor Sam. I was in class when he called and he left a message. We made plans to drive two hours to see the bus that Saturday. Pastor Sam thought we were going to buy it, and we were going down with every intention of having it handed to us. God was on our side, and that was all we needed! The Friday before we left, we lay out under the stars and all I can remember thinking about was God and the incredible gift of grace that we had been given. In the morning we made a decision to go to a nonprofit near Lancaster called “Beautiful Feet”. Chris—one of our best friends from Lancaster—had told us about Mike Meyers and claimed that out of everyone, he would be the one most likely to find us a place to keep “our” bus. So five of us showed up at Beautiful Feet and started talking to Mike Meyers about what we had been doing on Lancaster and he started telling us about what they do. Then, we started talking about our crazy faith adventure with the bus. At the end of the story, Spencer asked if there was anywhere Mike knew of that we could keep the bus. God was at work once again as Mike offered their extra lot to house it. The room was so dense with God’s spirit that I could hardly breathe. We literally ran out of the building with joy—well we tried to run out of the building but the front doors were locked so we ran out the back door, turning back for a split second to see our own beautiful footprints running to Jesus on that white linoleum floor. We could barely stand as we prayed shaking in the parking lot exchanging hugs and smiles and intense love. It’s weird how God’s presence can become so overwhelming that you just have to talk and yell and scream about it. But that’s what happened. It’s so hard to describe in words because it was really just a feeling. God is impossible to describe. Maybe that’s why so many people run away… because we can’t describe it when we feel it but others can’t understand unless they find Him and experience it themselves. Anyway! After Beautiful Feet there was a mad rush to get home, change, eat, and get to the football game. The game was kinda sorta fun except for the fact that we lost. But it was okay! Because God had filled us with so much joy and had an even greater plan for our journey. So we rushed back from the game and Jim, Spencer, Anna, Monica, Christiana, Chris, and I headed out to Point, Texas.

The car ride to Point, Texas was unlike any car ride I had ever experienced in my life. Every single person sitting in that car was filled beyond the brim with passion for the Lord. We spent the ride talking, and praying, and reading scripture. We worshiped and we spent time in fellowship, and mostly, we spent 2 hours crammed together in total and complete awe of the way our lives were already flipped upside down for God. As we pulled into Point, Texas we called Pastor Sam. He gave us directions the way that small town people do (using landmarks instead of street names) and we had no idea where we were going. So he met us at the Valero. Spencer and I were the first two to meet Pastor Sam. His perfect white hair and southern accent were enough to assure me that we were with someone who was about to change our lives forever. So we got back into the car and followed Pastor Sam to the bus.

I can’t even explain what seeing the bus for the first time was like. We had built it up so much to everyone we had come into contact with that week that for a second I was worried it wouldn’t live up to our expectations but one thing I’ve learned is that when God is in something, He is REALLY in something. And man was God in that bus. It really was the best bus in the world. Jim, Spencer, and I all got out and left the others in the car so that we wouldn’t overwhelm Pastor Sam. We were so lucky to have Jim with us. He immediately opened the hood and started checking the bus for any problems while Spencer, Pastor Sam, and I stepped inside the bus for a little chat. We started out talking about Love for Lancaster and our mission but didn’t receive much of an acknowledgment from Pastor Sam who launched into talking about the church they were building and his son and his son’s church. At one point I remember looking over at Spencer wondering if this whole bus idea was actually as crazy as everyone had been saying. As Jim finished and conversation was dying, we still hadn’t brought up the fact that we had come down fully intending to get this bus yet with not one penny in our pockets to pay for it. So as Pastor Sam left the bus to charge his phone, we prayed. We prayed that God would show us what to do now because we were lost and completely in His control. God answered our prayers and as Jim and Spencer went to get back in the car, I stuck around and talked to Pastor Sam. I told him that we were just college students and we didn’t have any money to purchase this bus. He just looked at me without saying anything so I quickly continued by asking him if we could establish a payment plan of a hundred dollars a month or something similar. He said he needed to talk to the church board but he would let us know. So we told him we would be at his church in the morning fully assuming that board meetings were Sunday mornings.

We left and found the greatest music hall “The Cotton Pickin’ Theater”, we ate, and we found a camping spot. We spent a good portion of the night staring up at the most beautiful stars we had seen since we could remember and basking in the incredible feeling of journeying with the Lord. We also listened to Jim’s mental journal including some night in July when he witnessed “starry balls” but that’s beside the point. After everyone went to bed, Spencer and I stayed up and prayed. We were at a point where after a lack of response from Pastor Sam, we worried that maybe we were wrong and weren’t meant to get the bus or that we truly were intended to purchase the bus to further Pastor Sam’s church. We just weren’t sure anymore. So we prayed and talked and eventually crawled into a tent jam-packed with 7 people. I woke up without a revelation, a dream, a vision, or any sign that God was giving me a direction to go with this bus but I was starting to understand that prayer is the most important act we can engage in as Christians but patience is one of the most important virtues. So I waited on the Lord. As we left our camping spot for the night, we realized that we had no idea what Pastor Sam’s church was called—let alone where it was. We couldn’t reach him so we ended up stopping at what I call a year long garage sale. It was just a shack with thousands of things for sale for very little money and free Bibles. You’ve got to love a place that gives you Bibles. So we stopped and purchased 50 cent hats, Bibles, and other random knickknacks that we found. As everyone was milling around, Spencer and I found the greatest praying spot I’ve ever been to in my entire life—sitting on a broken lounge-chair in the middle of a large shallow hole in a field of dead grass. We prayed and we prayed about what to do with this bus and that we could reach Pastor Sam and make it to his church. Sure enough, the next time we tried to call Sam, he answered and we were on our way. God is good.

Lone Oak Assembly of God Church is not a place that dictates how you should dress but as many would assume, people in a small southern town dress very well for Sunday service. Needless to say, as we tramped inside wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts without having a shower or hair brushed, we felt a little uncomfortable. We entered the empty main sanctuary feeling more lost than guided and stood looking around wondering what to do next. Pastor Sam eventually walked in and we all breathed a sigh of relief—we were ready to figure out what on earth was going to happen with this bus. To our surprise though, Pastor Sam led us to the youth group and left. We stayed because we didn’t want to be rude but I can almost guarantee that every person in our group was questioning what just happened and wondering what to do next. As the youth group ended, we headed back down to the main sanctuary where church had already started. It looked like we weren’t going to have an opportunity to meet with Pastor Sam since we were going to have to leave during the middle of the service in order to make it back to TCU in time for a church leadership program that half our crew was involved in. So we sat in the second to last pew with a man worshiping with his entire heart behind us, singing God Bless America. Some churches you walk into and you aren’t sure if God is there or not. You can’t always feel his Holy Spirit in the room or even in the people in the room but right there in Lone Oak, Texas, God was there. His Spirit was so heavy once again that it was impossible to not be lifting your hands and singing hymns with everything you had. So that’s exactly what we did. Afterwards I looked at Spencer and he asked me what I thought about the whole bus situation. I told him that it wasn’t just excitement. My soul was calm and there was no doubt in my mind that we were meant to get the bus. Then the assistant pastor stood up and started talking about us! He asked Spencer to stand up and say something. Then he asked me to stand up. Then Spencer had Chris stand up. Spencer and I were so taken aback that we probably didn’t convince anyone of anything other than the fact that we were dirty and tired and very confused. But when Chris stood up and began speaking, everyone was hanging onto every word. It could have been because they didn’t know what to do with the large black homeless man with dreads standing in the middle of their congregation, but in the end every single person understood who we were. His last line was “These are my best friends. They’re Jesus freaks for real” and that was straight truth. As he sat down, Pastor Sam stood up and began to talk about our ministry back at TCU and the reason we were in Point. He then told the congregation that we had no money but we had come on a faith-based trip and I remember thinking that my whole life should be one giant faith-based trip not just this one day. Soon, he got into the message and it was time for half of our group to leave so they could get back to TCU. I couldn’t pry myself away from the sermon so I took a church bulletin and wrote “I’m staying. I’ll hitchhike back.” And passed it to Spencer who wrote “Me too.” So the part of the group who needed to leave went outside and talked about how we were insane. Then they came and dragged us outside and forced us to leave with them to which we reluctantly agreed. Before we left, the man in the pew behind us came outside to pray with us. We learned his name was Don and we were so touched by his love for us. Soon after, his wife Ann stepped outside explaining that she felt called to give us all the money in her wallet and handed us 40 dollars to put toward the bus. Christiana lost it and started crying and the rest of us were holding back tears of joy not because of the money but because of the love of two strangers who had just put faith back into our idea. We prayed again, and I fell to my knees again after that in prayer. As we began to walk away another woman walked out and handed us 20 dollars. We had 60 dollars towards our bus and beyond that, we had just built friendships with people who truly pursued God and listened to Him and encouraged us. As we got in the car to leave, we sat in silence listening to worship music in complete awe of every single thing that had occurred in 24 hours (and in terror because Jim drives like a madman).

We arrived back at TCU and unpacked and went about the rest of our days like normal. The next day, we took another road trip—this time down to Baylor for the Passion University Tour. I worshiped louder, prayed harder, and loved Jesus more than I had in a very long time. We all had exams the next day but we were finally grasping that when you worship and you pray and you put God above all else and truly believe that he will provide everything else, it is taken care of. And we all got A’s. The next day was Tuesday and as I sat in class, Spencer got a phone call from Pastor Sam. He told Spencer that he was giving us the bus. I about lost it when I heard that. The way God works in that church is beyond words. It makes me wonder what the world would be like if every church was spiritually in tune like that and thought about God’s will before the will of themselves.

The miracles should have stopped there, but they just kept coming. My parents never pushed religion. I think they consider themselves Christians but I can’t remember ever going to church growing up. When I came to know God my junior year of high school, they didn’t feel either way about it—just accepted it like they did when I joined soccer, led key club, or met a new best friend. The past year my mom has begun a more intimate relationship with God, but my dad stayed standing in the same place. During parent’s weekend, I asked my parents to pick me up from Lancaster. My mom was taken aback but still open to what I was doing down there but my dad got out of the car and gave my homeless friends a nice long stare down. Let me tell you, my dad is no small guy. He is big and threatening, and he is quick to anger although slow to let his anger be known. So the instant he stepped out of the car and turned to judge every person I had grown to love unconditionally, I was ashamed and hurt and betrayed. Those who had seen the event texted and called me saying they would be praying and fasting. After the bus week, I called my mom to tell her the good news. She in turn told me to call my dad because he had been saying that we were insane and that there was no way we were called to get a bus. So I called him and related the story the best I could to someone who has never felt the presence of God quite the way we had experienced it and the greatest surprise of all was when he told me he would do any of the legal work we needed or file an LLC so that he could be a part of what we were doing.

Yet again, we foolishly expected this bus story to be over but has not ceased to amaze me thus far. As we began relating the story to everyone we came in contact with, people responded in incredible ways. Some looked at us like we had completely lost it, but it moved and motivated others in ways that we couldn’t believe. I think the greatest thing the story has done for people is show them what life looks like when you truly do drop everything to follow God. So many people don’t understand that you don’t have to sell every single thing you own or move to a foreign country… but it takes being willing to do all that. Being willing to drop everything and go, showing God that He is more to you than papers and exams and relationships and material things of this world! It’s truly losing yourself so you can find yourself in Him. Trust me when I say that when you do, there is no turning back. We have shattered perceptions of professors who would see the homeless but not touch them and we have floored our friends on campuses across states. Above all, when we speak to people, we get looked at like we are completely insane. That is my favorite look in the world. People keep trying to figure us out and I think that’s the beauty in sharing the gospel. No one can forget a crazy story, and we live the craziest—not just with this bus but in all aspects of our life.

The TCU bubble that so many have lived in has slowly crumbled. New people are coming down to Lancaster every day and walking away with full hearts, new friends, and conversations that are impossible to forget. When eyes are opened, everything else falls away. You have no choice but to share the love of God after you have been rocked like that.

So what are we going to do with this bus now that we have it? We are taking it to Passion. We are taking it and bringing every person we can possibly fit in there. We are not limiting our bus to those who were involved with the story or with our churches. We are bringing people who are broken, lost, and afraid and surrounding them with God’s love and mercy. We envision our bus filled with socks and towels and a whole lot of love road tripping to Passion 2012. We envision our bus being painted by our family down on Lancaster and lasting for a very long time. Our dreams are big. But our God is bigger.

I am no longer afraid of what following God looks like. To jump in and declare His greatness is what every single Christian should do. It’s hard at first and it’s scary but when you truly believe and you leave every doubt at the door, God guides you. He speaks to you and He lays His spirit on your heart. There is no greater joy than becoming a servant and a disciple to our Lord. Words could not express how it feels. It’s like a blanket of God armor is wrapped around you in a huge embrace. I always wondered what it was like to have God touch you. Let me tell you, when you feel it, you know. You know He is giving you the biggest bear hug in the world when you live according to His will. It took a bus to teach me that lesson but thanks to the best bus in the world (Bubba the bus) I am finally living the way that God called me to live four years ago when I became a Christian.

We were four college students with one big dream. God was bigger. God is bigger than we can fathom.

Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes...

Needtobreathe - Keep Your Eyes Open

Monday, October 24, 2011

Eyes open to evil

I hate to be that girl who writes about a scary experience on this blog. Believe me, L4L is not scary and 98% of people down there are incredibly nice, faithful, genuine, and inspiring. I have never felt unsafe there--and even with this experinece I'm about to share I felt safe and never felt like I was personally in danger. Promise. I met and talked with 4 people on Friday. 3/4 were incredible faithful, inspiring, and so amazing. I could write (and still may) blogs and blogs about the stories these 3 shared and the love they passed to me. But right now, I'm writing about the one I met who showed me what evil looks like. Guys, we have to take the good with the bad. We learn from it. So, take a breath cause here's a sad story but it's one that I feel needs to be told.
I was sitting at the bus stop on Lancaster chatting with new friends Dirty Red and Slamm'n (Darryl) when I saw Evil.
I've known I guess forever that the Devil exists and that there is an adversary at work to keep us from Christ. I have always heard that there are "bad" people in this world, but honestly I've never really believed that. And, even now after seeing evil- I still believe that we are not a race designed to be evil, but rather it is a symptom of our weakness. Up until last Friday I can honestly say I've lived a sheltered (blessed?) enough life to be relatively shielded from bad stuff. I see truely horrible events on TV. I've read about the holocaust in History books. I've cried during testimonies of unjustice, but on Friday I finally saw unabashed evil with my own eyes. right in front of me. and honestly, it's still haunting me.
Background: Dirty Red and Slamm'n and I are talking away-- awesome guys. telling me about their lives, their outlooks on Lancaster, and their situations. Dirty Red is a 61 yr old skinny black man originally from New Orleans. He picked up the changed chunked out a window of a passing car like a pro. Darryl is a well-fed, better-humored teddy bear from Oklahoma City. He's a resident at UGM and working thorugh the program there. He's a truck driver who told me he loves cooking soul food. They are super friendly and pleasant, but then Ashley came and the whole mood plummetted.
Ashley looked like she was in her 20's and had two precious daughters with her. She was waiting on the bus. The girls were being loud and fussy-one of them-the older one-more so. It was like we weren't even there, Ashley just cussed out her 4-5 yr old daughters. "fuck you". "shut up and stop that whining". "y'all are going to grandmas" "I can't handle this". Dirty Red, Slamm'n, and the other 2 TCU friends with me all kinda looked around uncomfortable.
Then I saw something that broke my heart and I will never forget.
The younger of the two girls shoved her older sister down completely on the ground, her head landed inches from the busy street of lancaster, and she wailed at the pain--and the mom, Ashley, just stared blank faced at her daughter. "get up you whiny bitch" something along those lines came from her blank face.
She didn't reach for her child, she didn't wipe the dust, didn't reprimand the other whatsoever. Cold hard hate. the girl just wailed and wailed with her mom staring cooly off into space.
I'm not the greatest writer, so maybe this account doesn't do the situation justice, but let me tell you it was cruel and evil. I-and the other TCU friends and slamm'n-wanted to embrace the girl and tell her it was going to be ok, but our "don't get sued" instincts kicked in and we too withheld our affection. Slamm'n reached out to her, and I walked over, but it was like an instinctually breaks went off-who were we to embrace this stranger's child when obvuously she wouldn't herself? I look back and sort of wish I had had the courage. Everything I know about Jesus tells me that he would have. That's what the cross was about, right? reaching out in love to his hurt children even though it meant punishment.
I know that Ashley isn't evil.We all fall short of the glory of God, and she is a sinner just like I am. No different. But the devil was in her when she left her baby crying on the ground like that. no doubt in my mind.
When they got on the bus, I asked Slamm'n what we should have done, or what can we do now? he said Just Prayer. So we prayed, right there. I prayed that they stop their fighting and that even though the little girl's life may be headed in a bad direction-that Jesus intercede. Right then and there. Pick up your child and show her what love is.
Jesus-please watch over this family and save your child.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

No place like _____

Homelessness. Denotatively, home refers to a place of permanent residence but connotatively home is so much more. To some it holds a negative aura but to me it is peace. Home is complete chaos rooted in love. It isn't about where I live, but rather about the people who care about me unconditionally. It's a place of refuge in times of heartache and sickness and a place of joy in times when the world feels like it's crumbling beneath your feet. Home is an embrace in silence when words can't do justice. It's crying and hurting but feeling an overwhelming presence of someone who cares sitting right beside you. Home is a 2 bedroom trailer with twenty family members piled in the living room. Or late night talks in the laundry room. But above all else, home is knowing that there is someone next to you who loves you without limit despite the things you've done, the places you've been, and the life you've lived. To be without a home is to be without this love. I have been homeless. I've always had a house but there was a point in my life where I felt so alone that home was merely a vacant lot in my soul. That emptiness has long been filled by God, family, and friends but many people in the world around us experience that vacancy every day. Homeless ministry is about unconditional love. The people on the streets rarely have families and friends to turn to—they are lacking a home in both senses of the word. I can't provide anyone with a house but through Love for Lancaster I have found an incredible opportunity to provide people with a home of limitless love.


Ephesians 3:16-21
"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Meet January

A story from last semester...
So today I went to Lancaster and had one of the most interesting experiences yet. It started out pretty bland. We met a lady named Brenda and a few of her friends. Brenda wasn't very talkative, but I was facing her and talking to her for a while. Then, after a while I was just looking around because, to be honest, as bad as it sounds, I was getting bored with Brenda and her friend Johnny that was dominating conversation and you couldn't understand. Well, I saw this guy a little down the road and was thinking of going over to him to talk, when I happened to glance behind me and this lady was sitting actually very very close to me. I turned and said something to her and she didn't respond. It was easy to see she was hurting, hurting more than the average homeless person—I didn't even think that was possible. Anyway, after she didn't answer, I decided to try again. I reached out and lightly touched her calf and asked her if she was alright. She looked up and saw she had been crying. She began to tell me that she wasn't ok. She said that she had to make a choice today. Through very scattered conversation and a lot of questions, I gathered the following information: Her name is January. She had to make a choice whether to go see her mom who lived in Corsicana or stay here for her daughter. She's only been on the streets a few weeks and her 2 year old daughter is living with January's husband. January did a "lot of horrible things" and so much so that her husband didn't want her living with them anymore. Now she can only see her daughter once a week for an hour. She has so much she wants to say to her husband like how much she loves him and knows she screwed up but would give anything to just hug him once and be a family again. However, she "can't say that to him" or she'll "get in trouble" (I'm guessing he has a restraining order against her from that and other things she said). The reason she even had the choice to go see her mom in the first place was because she found someone that was willing to help her get to Corsicana, but that would mean leaving her daughter for a long time and she didn't know if she wanted to do that. She took so long making the decision that the person who was going to help her had left. I asked her if she had the opportunity to see her mom again, if she would want to. She said yes. Conversation then turned and we talked more about the same things and how much she loves her daughter and stuff. Then she revealed that she was worried about staying at the shelter that night because of things she said and did last night. I probed further and asked if she was legitimately scared for her safety. She said no, that she was only nervous but she thought (and was hopeful) that everything was cleared up last night as well. A few minutes later the group came up and let me know it was time to leave. They saw how intense it was though and said they'd be willing to wait. But, I knew that it could honestly go on forever and had to end sometime. Before I left though, I had to know if I could help her, so I decided to get direct. I asked her again if she could stay with her mom for the night if she would want to. She said yes. I asked if she would take the bus. She said yes. I then asked her how much those tickets were. She immediately responded by saying she couldn't let me do that. I told her that I would be honest and tell her if I couldn't afford it, but I wanted to see if I could. She told me $34. I then told her that I could afford that but had to make sure I could get a ride to the station to buy the ticket. I asked the rest of my group and they said it would be ok. I then told her it was going to work and asked if she could wait right there for us to get the ticket. She said she couldn't let me pay for it again and I told her that I really wanted to, but asked if I could also keep in contact with her. She nodded, smiled, and said she'd like that.  So we went and walked to the car and I filled my group in on the brief version of her story. I then realized that I was pretty sure her mom lived in Corsicana, but I wasn't sure. I asked NAME (the driver) if we could drive by her really quickly and I could hop out and confirm the destination before we went to the station. He agreed. So we drove over and I jumped out. By this time she had a book in her hand. I jumped out and asked, "It's Corsicana that your mom lives in, right?" The following dialogue proceeded:
Her: "Yes, but I don't want you to. It's going to be a problem"
Me: "No, it's not going to be a problem. I want to do this" 
"No, I don't want to be stuck there. If I get there and can't get back before for my session it will be bad. If I miss a session I'll get in trouble."
"Ok, so you need two tickets? One there and one back?" 
"Oh no! I couldn't ask you to do that?"
"No, really, I want to" 
"No…" (and she got quiet and just looked at me). It was then that I looked at what she was reading and saw the cover said, "God's Love" on it. So I asked: "What are you reading?" and she gave it to me. I realized it was a Bible. I asked:
"Are you a Christian?" 
"Umm, I try to be good. I try to read this and figure out how to be good. But it's hard to understand. And people try to explain it to me, but still…"
I grinned from ear to ear. "Can we make a deal"
She laughed, "Maybe…"
"How about you let me pay for these two tickets for you, and then I come down here when you get back and we talk about that" (and I pointed to the Bible).
A huge smile spread across her face and she said, "Ok"
By that time, NAME suggested that she get in the car with us and just take her to the station. So we all piled in his car and we took her there. She was giving us directions and I noticed she got quiet. Something was wrong. I thought about asking, but decided not to. We got to the station and were about to get out when she said, "Wait, can we wait a few minutes? I want to ask you guys a question."  So we all waited. She proceeded, "Would you guys say that you cherish your time with your parents? And I mean truly cherish—like you want to be with them?" We all responded with yes and I admitted that my mom is still my best friend. She nodded. I asked, "You don't want to go, do you?" She said no that she realized her place was here and she needed to be here with her daughter. So we started driving back to where we picked her up. On the way over, I asked if I could see her Bible. She handed it over and I was going to look up Proverbs 3:5-6 for her, but realized that it was only the New Testament. I quickly prayed for God to give me a verse on suffering/comfort in the New Testament. God brought up a conversation I had with a friend back in the very beginning of the semester about the verse in 2 Corinthians about suffering and how we suffer so we can comfort others who go through the same thing and that Jesus suffered for us and suffered everything and more than what we're going through. It was SO cool how God brought that to my memory because I seriously suck at remembering Bible references and I had forgotten about that conversation. And the funny thing is, I had so forgotten about it that I was thinking the verse was in 1 Corinthians. After glancing through multiple headings and not finding it, I felt my Spirit telling me "check 2 Corinthians." So I did and I found it. I then showed it to her, read it, and told her something along the lines of "That basically means that what you're going through right now, God is with you the whole way. Jesus suffered everything you are right now and more and He knows what you're going through and He sympathizes. And He is with you through all of it. Not only that, but even though what you're going through right now is incredibly hard, God may be able to use that later in your life to help someone else." I then asked her if I could dog-ear the page and she nodded. So I dog-eared it and said, "whenever things get especially hard, look at this and take comfort in it." She was crying. Then I remember how she kept saying that she felt so guilty and she had done so many bad things and didn't know if she could ever make it right again. So I found Romans 3:23 for her and explained it and told her that God didn't see her as beyond repair and she shouldn't either and that she shouldn't hold onto the past and the guilt. I told her that God loved her more than anything and would always be there for her. I also dog-eared that page for her. Then closed it and handed it back to her. We had about 5 minutes left in the ride (because NAME missed an exit. Lol. But that actually ended up being really good because it gave me extra time to talk to January), and toward the end of the ride I saw her going back to those dog-eared pages and tracing the words with her fingers ever so lightly and effectually. We got to Lancaster and dropped her off by the Presbyterian Night Shelter and she said, "When are you guys coming down again?" I told her that I was pretty sure a group was going on Friday and if so I would be with them. She then asked what time so she could come by the same spot at that time so I could find her. We told her in the afternoon, she thanked us, and we said our goodbyes. 
Looking back on it all, it was so surreal. It was like I was having an out-of-body experience. I felt like all of my limbs were numb and my mind was in a dream-like state. My mind was not thinking like it normally would. I think I physically felt Jesus being in me and working through me. Because none of that was me—there's no way I personally would have been able to remember those verse references, or would have been so bold as to ask so bluntly if she was a Christian. I know that sounds stupid considering she was holding a Bible, but the normal me would have so beat around the bush before asking her bluntly if she was a Christian. If it was me, I would probably have started with something like, "Who gave that to you?" to see if someone random was just handing them out or if she actually lived by it or if it was just "casual reading" to her because she had nothing better to do. But no, when I saw that, something inside of me literally leapt and I had no fear. It was almost as if my Spirit knew what was going on and acted for me. Force my mouth to form the words, gave me such confidence and joy that I had no regard for what I was saying—in a good way. Lol. I didn't think, I just acted. It was so unlike me, the only possible explanation is God.
But as cool as this experience as, it also left me a little distraught. I had known this woman for only about 45 minutes and I was ready to lay down $70 for her and stay in contact with her to disciple her—because if you think about it that's really what I was hoping to do with her if I could come down again and talk through the Bible with her. And I was SO invested in the situation and cared for her SO much in so little time. I literally would have done anything for January in that moment. And that's what scares me. I'm a girl, and along with being a girl comes being emotional; and not to mention, I've been told before that I empathize well with other's situations. I guess I'm afraid that I get too attached too quickly and to the point that I lack discretion and wisdom. How far is too far? I'm not superman and I can't fix everybody's problems. But I want to! And I often try SO hard to. So how do I know when I've crossed the line and become obsessed/crazy and irrational? I've got a one-track mind; very goal-driven, and that can be a major fault of mine. Sometimes I get so focused on something that I forget about everything else and pretty soon obsession begins. My most recent one was my major/school. God broke that one in me thankfully, but still. I had other obsessions before that and I feel like it's a recurring problem with me. This could be a problem with what I want to do in my future. Ever since I started truly following Jesus, I've had a soft spot for inner city people. I truthfully love them and enjoy being around them—with all of their energy and attitude, they're SO addicting! I want to minister to them and work with them long term. But if I do, I'm going to have to learn how to be more objective about things so I can make rational decisions. So how do I do that? How do I take some emotion out of the equation? How the heck can I learn to be more objective? Would that even be a good thing? Because if it weren't for that passion in the first place, I wouldn't even be doing things like this. I need balance, but I have no idea where to even start to figure out where that line is.
Not only that, but I'm leaving in two weeks. I feel like this was such a great opportunity to pour into someone long term! But I'm leaving for STATE NAME in two weeks. Yeah, I'll be back in June, but she could easily be gone by then. And I don't have a car, so I can't just go whenever I want, I'm restricted. If this was so "meant to be" then why do there seem to be so many things in the way? Is that another sign that it was just me being crazy again? Jumping into a situation before thinking and getting myself emotionally invested when it wasn't my place?
I know that, in the end I can say that God was at least able to use me to plant a seed, and maybe I'm not meant to come back. Maybe that's all I was meant for—which I'm TOTALLY fine with! I want God to use me the way He sees fit. But then the question becomes, how do you know when to push and try harder and when to just let it go and chalk it up to one of your moments of being a planter instead of a waterer—so to speak. The typical answer would be, "Well, you'll just have to listen to God's leading on that one." Which, is of course true, but I'm afraid that my intense emotions will cloud my judgment. I'm afraid that I'll too often try so hard and try to force something that wasn't meant to be. I guess, in the end, the fact that I can love so deeply so quickly scares me. I'm afraid it will make me a living version of Proverbs 19:2.

Friday, September 23, 2011

A Couple People on my Heart Lately

Lorenzo
Last Wednesday at Unity Park I started helping FIW (Freedom in Worship) by making hot dogs. That is when a familiar face came walking up with a big grin "Hey!" he said. I saw him the Friday before and had a brief but great conversation at the end of our time there. "Hey Lorenzo!" His eyes widened and said he could believe that I remembered his name. It meant so much to him, and after that, he made sure that he remembered mine, even saying it a couple times over. It was incredible, he just wanted to know me, what my major was, what I liked to do, what my dreams were. Then when I asked him about his life, and what he was all about, he said he told me some of his past work experience, such as being a salesman, and he now works at waffle house as a short order cook. However, his real dream is to go to school for culinary arts. That was when he showed me the flyer of the opportunity about culinary school. He was so excited about it, he was glowing. The opportunity is November 28th, so please pray for preparation for Lorenzo and for doors to open for him. Can't wait to have another conversation with this guy.

Linda
Met Linda two weeks ago at FIW. Unfortunately Linda had not had the best week, the least to say. Three days prior to meeting her, she had been attacked and beaten by four people late at night. They had beaten her so badly that she had cuts all over her face, a couple of fractured ribs, and the vandals sliced the side of her stomach. Thankfully a police officer saw that she was hurt not long after the attack and called an ambulance for her. When talking to her she had difficulty eating, talking, and breathing. However, that is not the source of her sorrow. A couple of days before being attacked, she had learned that her younger sister had been murdered. There was so much pain on her face when she talked about her sister. "It's as if someone stabbed me in the heart" trying to describe the loss that she was feeling. She said she had so much guilt about her sister dying because she had not been there for her sister that past couple of years because she had been in prison. She wanted to tell her about Jesus, and God. But she never got the chance. Please pray for Linda. Please pray that she is taken care of physically and emotionally. Please pray that God gives her peace over the loss of her sister. Please pray for continuing a strong relationship with God and divine protection.